The Girl Dreamer
Monday, May 28, 2012
My Modern Family
Well as you all know, I have been struggling a lot here at home. Too much issues, too much drama..that I wish I was just part of another family. Honestly, I have another existing family. Mader’s family! We may also have some issues, but I guess they’re easier to handle than the ones I have with my real family.
AHHH Mader’s family. We were once just a simple family, with me and natie as their daughters. I was the eldest, though natie met them first. We were happy and content with each other – we eat out every once in a while, we hangout after school as if we were allowed to stay at the faculty room for such long hours, we help mader with her teacher duties, and in turn, she gives us advice (school, family, lovelife), she scolds us if we deserve it, and she praises us when we achieve something good. In terms of our relationship with our “dad,” well he was really fun to be with. When we first met, it was awkward but he easily got us to speak and to atleast engage into an informal conversation. It was fun being close to them, having this 2nd family and being assured that if the real one fails, I have a back up.
Time went by so fast, natie and I graduated from high school. It was tough. One of the greatest challenge life ever gave me, personally. Natie was great enough to overcome everything and just live for what’s in store in the future. She was able to move on quite easily than I did. It was hard for me not to text them or message them every now and then. They are now permanently a part of my life and I guess whatever I do, whatever hurt they gave and will still give me, I wouldn’t give up on them. It was my passion to love them dearly and I took it as a great responsibility to remain as their eldest child forever. I wouldn’t have survived four years in college if I resisted and rejected my feeling and emotions. In the first two years of college, I try every once in a while to meet up with them if it’s someone’s birthday or if it’s near Christmas and new year. I dedicated my life to them because I believe that they will be there for me too. After two years of not being together in Zobel, the challenge went up another level, School always gets in the way. I can’t find time to meet up with her. My schedule’s all messed up, but at least I still text her if I can. I see to it that we do keep in touch even with just simple good nights and good mornings. We do appreciate each other. We tried to stay in touch, but sometimes, work and school really swallows us. I do understand, I try to always understand.
One day she told me that there was something important that she wants to share with us, so we all met up in a coffee shop and talked about it. She asked us to pray for her, because it was her wish for that dream to come true. She applied for a job overseas and if given the opportunity, they will soon migrate there. I got shocked, I almost cried in front of her but I didn’t. I controlled my emotions and just said that I was happy for her and that I will surely pray for her and her dream! I of course wanted her to achieve her hearts desires but it was too painful for me to hear that she plans on moving out of the country for good. I realized, I was working too much and putting excessive effort on a family I would easily lose because of greater priorities. I tried to look very happy for her while we were still all together, but when I got home that night, I immediately told her my real feelings about her plans. I told her I cried, and I told her that I will miss her terribly. She said that everything’s gonna be alright because we have the internet. It will just be easy to communicate. I still felt sad after our text conversation. Yes, I did pray for her to get what she wants, and I prayed that she gets accepted to wherever she’s applying, but deep down inside I was broken. Looking at myself back then, I realized how I am seriously praying for my second family to vanish. But looking at what’s going on right now, I shouldn’t have stopped her. I should’ve just really allowed her to go on with her dreams. I shouldn’t have made her feel that I cannot live without her here in the Philippines. I believe it would’ve been better if she and wekie just moved out of the country to pursue their dreams, because I know that it would be less complicated (for me, atleast) if they went there without knowing much more people here.
Months passed and I haven’t heard any news about their plan to migrate to another country. Maybe the application was rejected? No one knows. I was happy she stayed. Back then I simply smile each and every day realizing that I still have her everytime I wake up. After sometime, (I don’t really remember how I knew all about it) a news came up that she’s not gonna teach Filipino anymore. I guessed and thought she was already the Filipino coordinator, the boss!!! But I was wrong. Next thing I know, she’s got her own office already. The head of the Cultural Affairs Office and the Student Activities Office. I was proud, seeing her grow, and seeing her prosper HERE and not abroad. I was happy for her, and I was really glad to know that she’s enjoying her work.
I didn’t know that these events in her life will get me into deeper issues, into greater troubles. I thought I was already contented with where she ended up. I thought I could be consistently happy for her already because she ain’t gonna leave the country and that means she ain’t gonna leave me. But I was sooo wrong, and now I’m wishing that I just pushed her away for her to give greater effort to achieve her dreams. I just wish she’s now in another country, but all eyes on me. Not really a selfish wish, but I just know it would’ve been more intimate if we stayed as is (me, natie, mader, wekie). Just the four of us, simple, quiet, happy family.
Upon creating that new office, she needed helpers. She needed a team to help her with her task. A mini ‘SRCC team’, I believe, that would handle events stuff. They were called the creative team. I met some of them when I spent a day with her during one of her birthday years around 2 or 3 years ago. They were good! They were fun to be with. They worked hard, and almost all of the time, they were with my Mader. I was jealous, even before I met them. I always see their pictures together. They travel a lot, and they were all happy. I guess I am not really the rich, outgoing type of person Mader needed in her life. Mader and Wekie looked very pleased to have them, but during that time I spent a day with her in Zobel, she still made me feel that she loved me, and that I am important to her. I guess that’s what’s more important.
Through the years I tried to convince myself that I have accepted the fact that she now has more children, not just me, not just me and natie. We are now a big family. Something I am not used to. Not used to having many people around, not used to being the eldest, not used to being the one who should sacrifice, who should always understand, and the one who should always give way for younger siblings. I need time to adjust, but I thank God for putting me in this situation as I learned to become more mature. To handle responsibilities and family issues as if they were just research papers in school. I learned how to stand up for what I believe in, but at the same time I tried to listen to others’ thoughts regarding the issue. I never faced Angel mad, I never treated her rudely. In fact I always say hi every time I see her in the corridors the time she started studying at DLSU. I helped her win contests, and I always treated her as my younger sister as she always calls me Ate. I remember the first time we met, evening of that day she added me in facebook. She said she was pleased to have met me, and I said ‘likewise.’ It was a short conversation, but one important thing I told her is to just patiently put up with Mader’s stuff and to remain by her side. I asked her to take care of Mader as I will not have enough chance and time to visit her everyday at Zobel. She agreed, and that was how we got a long. She assured me that she will do her part in taking care of my second mom, and that made me really glad.
I guess I shouldn’t stay jealous. Instead I should be happy for them now, how they really treat each other as family. As the eldest daughter, I should understand that there are some events that only some of the sibling can come, that at times I will be out of place if I will insist on joining. I want to believe that I am mature enough to accept the truth, to accept the fact that things change, but the love I have for Mader and Wekie will always remain. Despite all the hurts, all the heartaches and all the issues and challenges I have been through, they will still be a part of me, and I guess I really do not have any choice as this will last forever.
As I am typing this right now, I just got a news that my Mader underwent an operation without me knowing. I know that I do not have a right to feel that I am once again being betrayed. I guess she really didn’t want me to know all about it. I just wish Angel and the gang also do not know things about this. Well if they do, again, I would just be happy for them. That just means that they are getting all the attention easily – the attention and the love I have worked hard for since I was in the 7th grade. Good for them. May they always remain by my Mader’s side.
PRAYER:
Lord I pray that you make her strong, so that she could immediately get well and get out of the hospital. I wish this has something to do with their “secret.” That one thing that kept me holding on. I hope they’re finally doing something about it, and I hope soon enough, I get to have a baby sister or brother, if you know what I mean. Lord God, I cannot control her choices and decisions, but I do know that somehow I still am one of her important students. I wish for her to update me about her life. Help me Lord, to know what this is all about, in ways that I do not know how, give me the answer. I promise to love them forever, and I also swear to always understand everything, and to properly act as the eldest child. Heal her (or them) oh Lord! I love them forever, Amen.
>>>seventeen
AHHH Mader’s family. We were once just a simple family, with me and natie as their daughters. I was the eldest, though natie met them first. We were happy and content with each other – we eat out every once in a while, we hangout after school as if we were allowed to stay at the faculty room for such long hours, we help mader with her teacher duties, and in turn, she gives us advice (school, family, lovelife), she scolds us if we deserve it, and she praises us when we achieve something good. In terms of our relationship with our “dad,” well he was really fun to be with. When we first met, it was awkward but he easily got us to speak and to atleast engage into an informal conversation. It was fun being close to them, having this 2nd family and being assured that if the real one fails, I have a back up.
Time went by so fast, natie and I graduated from high school. It was tough. One of the greatest challenge life ever gave me, personally. Natie was great enough to overcome everything and just live for what’s in store in the future. She was able to move on quite easily than I did. It was hard for me not to text them or message them every now and then. They are now permanently a part of my life and I guess whatever I do, whatever hurt they gave and will still give me, I wouldn’t give up on them. It was my passion to love them dearly and I took it as a great responsibility to remain as their eldest child forever. I wouldn’t have survived four years in college if I resisted and rejected my feeling and emotions. In the first two years of college, I try every once in a while to meet up with them if it’s someone’s birthday or if it’s near Christmas and new year. I dedicated my life to them because I believe that they will be there for me too. After two years of not being together in Zobel, the challenge went up another level, School always gets in the way. I can’t find time to meet up with her. My schedule’s all messed up, but at least I still text her if I can. I see to it that we do keep in touch even with just simple good nights and good mornings. We do appreciate each other. We tried to stay in touch, but sometimes, work and school really swallows us. I do understand, I try to always understand.
One day she told me that there was something important that she wants to share with us, so we all met up in a coffee shop and talked about it. She asked us to pray for her, because it was her wish for that dream to come true. She applied for a job overseas and if given the opportunity, they will soon migrate there. I got shocked, I almost cried in front of her but I didn’t. I controlled my emotions and just said that I was happy for her and that I will surely pray for her and her dream! I of course wanted her to achieve her hearts desires but it was too painful for me to hear that she plans on moving out of the country for good. I realized, I was working too much and putting excessive effort on a family I would easily lose because of greater priorities. I tried to look very happy for her while we were still all together, but when I got home that night, I immediately told her my real feelings about her plans. I told her I cried, and I told her that I will miss her terribly. She said that everything’s gonna be alright because we have the internet. It will just be easy to communicate. I still felt sad after our text conversation. Yes, I did pray for her to get what she wants, and I prayed that she gets accepted to wherever she’s applying, but deep down inside I was broken. Looking at myself back then, I realized how I am seriously praying for my second family to vanish. But looking at what’s going on right now, I shouldn’t have stopped her. I should’ve just really allowed her to go on with her dreams. I shouldn’t have made her feel that I cannot live without her here in the Philippines. I believe it would’ve been better if she and wekie just moved out of the country to pursue their dreams, because I know that it would be less complicated (for me, atleast) if they went there without knowing much more people here.
Months passed and I haven’t heard any news about their plan to migrate to another country. Maybe the application was rejected? No one knows. I was happy she stayed. Back then I simply smile each and every day realizing that I still have her everytime I wake up. After sometime, (I don’t really remember how I knew all about it) a news came up that she’s not gonna teach Filipino anymore. I guessed and thought she was already the Filipino coordinator, the boss!!! But I was wrong. Next thing I know, she’s got her own office already. The head of the Cultural Affairs Office and the Student Activities Office. I was proud, seeing her grow, and seeing her prosper HERE and not abroad. I was happy for her, and I was really glad to know that she’s enjoying her work.
I didn’t know that these events in her life will get me into deeper issues, into greater troubles. I thought I was already contented with where she ended up. I thought I could be consistently happy for her already because she ain’t gonna leave the country and that means she ain’t gonna leave me. But I was sooo wrong, and now I’m wishing that I just pushed her away for her to give greater effort to achieve her dreams. I just wish she’s now in another country, but all eyes on me. Not really a selfish wish, but I just know it would’ve been more intimate if we stayed as is (me, natie, mader, wekie). Just the four of us, simple, quiet, happy family.
Upon creating that new office, she needed helpers. She needed a team to help her with her task. A mini ‘SRCC team’, I believe, that would handle events stuff. They were called the creative team. I met some of them when I spent a day with her during one of her birthday years around 2 or 3 years ago. They were good! They were fun to be with. They worked hard, and almost all of the time, they were with my Mader. I was jealous, even before I met them. I always see their pictures together. They travel a lot, and they were all happy. I guess I am not really the rich, outgoing type of person Mader needed in her life. Mader and Wekie looked very pleased to have them, but during that time I spent a day with her in Zobel, she still made me feel that she loved me, and that I am important to her. I guess that’s what’s more important.
Through the years I tried to convince myself that I have accepted the fact that she now has more children, not just me, not just me and natie. We are now a big family. Something I am not used to. Not used to having many people around, not used to being the eldest, not used to being the one who should sacrifice, who should always understand, and the one who should always give way for younger siblings. I need time to adjust, but I thank God for putting me in this situation as I learned to become more mature. To handle responsibilities and family issues as if they were just research papers in school. I learned how to stand up for what I believe in, but at the same time I tried to listen to others’ thoughts regarding the issue. I never faced Angel mad, I never treated her rudely. In fact I always say hi every time I see her in the corridors the time she started studying at DLSU. I helped her win contests, and I always treated her as my younger sister as she always calls me Ate. I remember the first time we met, evening of that day she added me in facebook. She said she was pleased to have met me, and I said ‘likewise.’ It was a short conversation, but one important thing I told her is to just patiently put up with Mader’s stuff and to remain by her side. I asked her to take care of Mader as I will not have enough chance and time to visit her everyday at Zobel. She agreed, and that was how we got a long. She assured me that she will do her part in taking care of my second mom, and that made me really glad.
I guess I shouldn’t stay jealous. Instead I should be happy for them now, how they really treat each other as family. As the eldest daughter, I should understand that there are some events that only some of the sibling can come, that at times I will be out of place if I will insist on joining. I want to believe that I am mature enough to accept the truth, to accept the fact that things change, but the love I have for Mader and Wekie will always remain. Despite all the hurts, all the heartaches and all the issues and challenges I have been through, they will still be a part of me, and I guess I really do not have any choice as this will last forever.
As I am typing this right now, I just got a news that my Mader underwent an operation without me knowing. I know that I do not have a right to feel that I am once again being betrayed. I guess she really didn’t want me to know all about it. I just wish Angel and the gang also do not know things about this. Well if they do, again, I would just be happy for them. That just means that they are getting all the attention easily – the attention and the love I have worked hard for since I was in the 7th grade. Good for them. May they always remain by my Mader’s side.
PRAYER:
Lord I pray that you make her strong, so that she could immediately get well and get out of the hospital. I wish this has something to do with their “secret.” That one thing that kept me holding on. I hope they’re finally doing something about it, and I hope soon enough, I get to have a baby sister or brother, if you know what I mean. Lord God, I cannot control her choices and decisions, but I do know that somehow I still am one of her important students. I wish for her to update me about her life. Help me Lord, to know what this is all about, in ways that I do not know how, give me the answer. I promise to love them forever, and I also swear to always understand everything, and to properly act as the eldest child. Heal her (or them) oh Lord! I love them forever, Amen.
>>>seventeen
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