The Girl Dreamer

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, mej tahimik ang cellphone ko. mamah isnt making kwento as much as she usually does. Nakakapanibago, pero siguro ako na rin ang dapat sisihin. Laid down my cards, sinabi ko sa kanya hinanakit ko eh. Na feeling ko wala naman ako karapatan magworry about her at wala akong karapatan na mag advice o mag suggest sa kanya ng mga bagay bagay. Sino nga ba naman kasi ako sa buhay nya dba? Na sinagot naman nya ng "hindi LANG ikaw si kristine rae zapanta. Ikaw ang piglet 1 ng buhay ko. ang tunay na taong anjan lagi para sakin at tanggap ang pagka buang ko." Sweet ba? Well di naman ako masyado naconvince. Natouch ako, oo! Pero ayoko na masyado paniwalaan ang mga ganyan dahil baka lalo ko lang ikabagsak at ikadepress yan in the near future. Nagsisimula ko na ngang pagsisihan ang pinag gagagawa ko eh. Dahil dun, hindi na masyadong nagtetext si mamah. Siguro kasi iniisip nya, ayaw na nya ko madamay sa stress ng buhay nya. Pero di naman ganun ang ibig kong sabihin kung bat ko sinend sa kanya yung mahabang message eh. Gusto ko marealize nya na nandito ako LAGI!! magsabi lang sya, pakinggan nya mga advice ko, sundin naman nya kahit minsan yung mga sinasabi ko hindi yung hihintayin pa nya na si dadah ang magsabi na magpacheck up sya etc blablabla. Alam ko di ako boyfriend o bestfriend pero sana minsan maniwala sya na kapakanan lang nya lagi ang iniisip ko. Di ko sinabi ang mga yun para iwasan nya ko o iwasan nyang mag share ng stuff sakin..sinabi ko yun kasi I CARE! magsabi sya sakin kahit kailan nya gusto kasi mas gusto ko yun kaysa magpanggap syang okay sya kahit di naman pala. I appreciate na sinasabi nya sakin from the smallest to the biggest details sa buhay nya kaya sana di nya yun itigil kasi baka lalo lang ako mapraning kapag di na sya magsasabi. Sana bumalik na kami sa normal at sana naintindihan nya ang gusto kong iparating kaya ko nirelease ang statements na yun sa kanya kahit na alam kong magkakaron talaga ng awkward days after nun. It was a risk i had to take para rin sa ikabubuti nya. Ayun lang. Bow.

For the past years, I have been hating myself for loving and caring for too much people. I am aware that I cannot get all the love back, but I still continue on making them feel how important they are in my life. Pinanganak na akong ganito eh, give lang ng give hanggang maubos ko lahat..kahit wala nang matira sakin! But don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. Nabibigatan ako sa dumadaming responsibilities, pero hindi ako susuko.

As of this moment, may mga bagong mabibigat na issues sa buhay ko at ng mga mahal ko sa buhay. First is mader and wekie's relationship. After more than a year of silence from the two, I have finally heard the story both from her and from him. Medyo overwhelmed sa trust nila sakin, thankful sa opportunity to help them with their issues, pressured na mabigyan sila both ng tamang mga words of wisdom every single time, maingat na maipakita ko sa kanila na wala akong kinakampihan because I understand both parties' feelings. Mahirap! Oo at first nadisappoint..that is when wala pa akong alam, di ko pa sure ano yung reasons nila at gulong gulo pa ko sa issues ko with my own family. But now that I know better, and that I've heard both sides of the story, it's time to move on. Siyempre nadisappoint ako kasi like from the previous posts here in my blog, my parents do have the same problems. Na iniasa ko lahat dito sa second family ko eh, na dito ko maeexperience ang HAPPY AND COMPLETE family. Yun pala, mauuwi rin sa ganito. But like I said, since I've already went through almost the same problem sa pamilya ko mismo, mas naiintindihan ko na ngayon at mas madali kong natatanggap though masakit pa rin talaga na maski pala sa second family ko, mangyayari pa rin ang pag aaway at paghihiwalay. Umasa ako eh, pero muling nabigo. Pero gaya nga ng sinabi ko kay mader, kung san sila magiging masaya, nandito lang ako lagi para suportahan na lang sila.

Second is raizel's bday blues. Not that big and problematic, it's just that parang super one way yung effort. Maybe she's just not that expressive, pero ofcourse ako, bilang tao lang naman, naghahanap ng konting pag reciprocate at pag appreciate. Ang kaso, sobrang waley! Parang flop lagi yung efforts ko na pasayahin siya at ways ko to make her feel special. BUT SINCE I MADE A PROMISE, Tita Diana, I am not going to let her feel alone. There will be a point wherein I will stop all these sweet thoughtful gestures, but I promise that I will still always be here for her. Gagabayan at aalalayan ko pa rin siya bilang isa sa mga taong nakakakilala sa kanya ng lubos sa kumpanya kung saan kami nagtatrabaho, tulad ng pag pangako ko po sa inyo na hindi ko siya iiwan at susukuan. With the help of her new kids, todo effort pa rin kahit one way lang.

Ngayon naman, mader's health. the last time we saw each other, nung nag family day sa company, ang lala ng ubo nya. Checked up on her for the rest of the week until last saturday, di na siya nakareply. Siyempre, sobrang kaba na naman. Magisa na nga siya, may sakit pa siya. Kanina lang she replied and told me that she was hospitalized. Nung wed pa daw siya na ER and then naconfine until yesterday afternoon. Syempre nag worry ako thinking kung sino kasama nya sa hospital, sino nag alaga sa kanya, pano siya umuwi from the hospital, sino nag hatid sa kanya dun at pabalik. Wala na si wekie sa house nila eh. And now, nasa house na daw siya but feeling bad pa rin kasi namamaga pa both feet and back nya. Told me she's actually scared, but all I can do now is pray for her and make her feel that everything will be alright. Asked her to call me if she needs any help or if she needs kasama to go to the hospital and such. Be the responsible panganay that I can be, since she's declared how she considers me a part of her family na talaga. Sana maging ok na siya, I'll help her in anyway I could. Can actually take a leave just to take care of her and make sure that she's ok. But I know that she wouldnt want me to focus much on her at mapabayaan ang work. So I guess, I'll just balance everything.

Another thing, sa work naman, I have to be mature enough to answer all the questions of my partner who is a fresh grad. I need to make her understand how real life is. I need to be the "Ate" that she needs and make her feel that these work issues are normal. I should not let her leave and make her feel too overwhelmed or pressured. Kailangan ko ipaintindi sa kanya na sa lahat ng kumpanya, mangyayari at mangyayari rin talaga ang mga bagay bagay. Kailangan ko siyang patatagin tulad ng pagturo sakin ni Paulynn kung pano maging matatag at kung pano malalagpasan lahat.

Tulangan niyo ko Lord na magampanan lahat ng responsibilidad ko sa lahat ng mga taong mahal ko. Sana wala akong mapabayaan, at sana lahat sila matulungan at magabayan ko ng maayos. Kayo na pong bahala sakin, kayo na pong bahala sa amin.

>>>seventeen

Through the years, I have been thinking about the reason why I always end up being close to my teachers and professors. I tend to always praise them, love them, idolize them and care for them, which I find weird about me because most students would usually hate them or curse them from time to time. Well, though I find it weird, I still continue it, believing that there is nothing wrong with it anyway. And so I went on with my life, became extremely close to a handful, and just plain close to many. It has been my habit to express my gratitude and appreciation to them every now and then. I just think that it's the proper thing to do in exchange for all their hard work and labor teaching us all the stuff that we have to know. In return, I receive appreciations of my affection and most of them says that I inspire them even more to do better in their profession. I feel great every time I receive their replies. It's as if I made one person proud of who he/she is every time I read their "thank you also" notes.

I just graduated last Saturday, June 9, 2012, and it was my last chance to thank one great person who inspired me during my last term in college. A day before grad, I sent an FB message to my Actmana professor, thanking her for the term that just ended. Taking my last accounting subject in college under her was one hell of a ride, but I learned more than I should have. Aside from our accounting lessons, she shared us life stories and God's messages. She pushed us hard enough to put effort in all our tasks and activities for us to learn our lessons well and by heart. These things gave me more inspiration to do well in her subject. Because of her, I regained my confidence and realized that I still have the skill and the passion for accounting, and that one day, if given a chance, I would still do something to pursue my dream of becoming a CPA. All of these and more I told her through FB. I just thought that she had to know how grateful I am with all of the things she has taught and shown us. Que sera sera, I sent the message expecting nothing in return because when I checked, the last time she went online was about 3 months ago. I did not bother and continued on sending the message despite the possibility that she will not see it. I still took it as a responsibility to at least make a way for this message to reach her, and finding her FB account was the only way I thought of.

Luckily after several days, when I opened my FB account, I saw one unread message. I thought it was just from my barkada or batchmate, but shockingly it was from her. She told me that she still remembers me and then congratulated me for graduating. She said that she's happy to know that she's part of the encouragement I have in pursuing my career in accountancy, and like what my past teachers and professors told me, at the end of her reply she said that she's thankful for all the kind words I told her and that I inspire her more to do better in her profession. I felt relieved because of the fact that I have already made her aware that she is a great professor. I felt really happy and proud of myself that for the last time, I made another person proud and happy to be what she is (a professor).

With these scenes and moments, I have to say that I now know my purpose in terms of these educators. I have been placed here in this world to let these educators know their worth. I know that God made me in order for these professors and teachers to know how good they are and for them to be aware of the contribution that they are giving in the society. I am here to love them and care for them so that whenever they are already feeling very tired and stressed about their job, whenever they are about to give up, they will again have the courage to stand up and to do better in all aspects of their work.

As they inspire me, I inspire them in return; as I learn from them, they learn from me too. It's a win-win situation that is why I do not regret the fact that at this stage of my life, though I have already graduated, I still am in contact with a handful of teachers who really made a big impact in my life - those people who I need and who made me feel that they need me too. It's a responsibility I have accepted because I know that there will be no one who can make them feel this way, though sometimes I become OA, I know that I am just expressing what it is that I have to tell them. There are reasons behind everything and I would not tell them things if it did not have any sense at all. Despite all the drama, I still continue on understanding them and I still remain by their side. I can assure them that they can rely on me all the time.

Another sharing: During the past days, I have been closely in touch with zpvw. She just recently had an operation and is striving to recover as soon as she can. She's currently on leave and I feel that she does not want this to happen. She's a workaholic and I feel that even though she's on leave, which means that she should just rest and relax, she still is thinking about the work that she will have to do once she gets back on her feet. It's been about a week since I first asked her about the operation. From that day, I, from time to time, check up on her. I make sure that she feels some improvements about her condition every now and then. It's a responsibility I do not have to speak of in front of her. I am thankful that she updates me and that she freely expresses whatever it is that she feels. Last night she told me honestly how she's having a hard time recovering, and this made me really worried about her. On the other hand, I feel very honored to be given this kind of opportunity to be her confidant in times of sadness and trouble, and to be given this kind of sincerity and trust. I have gained this throughout the years and am thankful for the results. I wish that I can keep this as it is, or maybe improve the relationship even more, until the end of time. (well, hindi naman sa pagmamalaki pero I knew it..kapag heavy and serious issues, sa akin din ulit siya makikipag usap, and I thank her for that)

Moving on to my relationship with hwwow, I also am very thankful that she remained close to me. I appreciate all her concern since the first time we met. I love that she makes it a point to tell me how much she loves me, and I of course do the same in return. About a couple of months ago, her sister died. One day we got a chance to catch up and have a conversation. She expressed to me how sad she really is about the incident. Sabi niya, "ang lunkot lungkot ko nak," and I just told her encouraging words that I think could make her feel (even just a little bit) better. I know that she told me those things because she trusts me and that she believes that I am mature enough to understand whatever it is that she's feeling. I did what I can, and told her what I believe can help her get back into her normal self.

These made me realize how I've come this far in terms of my relationship with them (my educators). I have never imagined that after high school, I would still have the time to talk to them. I thought everything would end there, but it did not. We all found ways to make each relationship deeper, and I am proud that I never gave up. Now that I have already graduated, I guess it won't end there. It will continue on until forever, for I know that I have already established a kind of family tie in each of their hearts. I love all of them, and I know that a part of me was made solely to make these educators feel proud of themselves, for them to realize their importance to each and every student they have handled. It is a part of my purpose to keep these relationships and to continue inspiring my teachers to improve even further each and every time.

PRAYER:
I thank you Lord for the opportunity you have given me to be a light to others. Thank you for giving me this chance to touch other people's hearts. I am very grateful that you picked me for this kind of job, for this kind of challenge, for this kind of responsibility, for this kind of mission. I promise to never give up no matter how hard it may all seem to be. I will continue to be strong for them so that they may continue to touch other people's lives. May you bless all of us, Lord, so that we may remain loyal to our commitments with you and with one another. This we ask in Jesus name, Amen.

>>>seventeen