The Girl Dreamer

I’ve been trying my best not to think about it, but asking me to pray that she’ll be able to have that one big confirmation is not of any help…it’s like she’s requesting me to ask God to make her leave me…gets? Okay, para mas madali, parang sinasabi niya na ipagdasal ko na sana iwanan na niya ako…praying for the success of her application or her plan is like praying that soon enough, she’ll be able to leave the country and be out of my life…fine, sige…looks like I’m being biased and thinking only for my own sake…pero it’s the truth eh…no matter how hard I try not to think of it that way, it still goes around and end up being THAT WAY!!! The hell, I don’t know what to do…I’m still blaming myself for all of these…isang malaking tanong, na alam kong tanong din ng mga kaibigan ko - - - BAKIT AKO CLOSE SA KANILA? or BAKIT AKO NAGING GANITO KA-CLOSE SA MGA TEACHERS?

Sagot? HINDI KO RIN ALAM at kahit na ipinagpapatuloy ko pa rin ang paggiging close sa kanila, deep inside me, alam kong nasasaktan na ako at alam kong noon ko pa gustong tumigil…sobrang sakit na, na parang wala na naman akong napapala kundi ang masaktan, malungkot, masisi, mahirapan, at higit sa lahat, MAIWANAN! Kailan ba dadating yung panahon na magagawa ko nang iwanan sila ng tuluyan…when will be the time that I’ll be able to prioritize other things – not them…when will be the time that what I will think about is myself – not them… when will be the time that what I will work and save for will be used for my own good – not for them…kailan mangyayari na maaappreciate ko ang pamilya ko at tatanggapin sila without comparing with the concern and sweetness that I am giving and receiving from THEM…

Realizing a lot of things, naisip ko na at some point ginulo nila ang buhay ko…ginawa nila akong abnormal…inilayo nila ako sa totoong mundo…ang dami kong hindi naranasan na mga bagay kasi sa maraming taon na nakalipas, sa kanila lang halos umiikot ang mundo ko…pero alam ko rin naman na a part of it, fault ko…basta ganun…magulo pero seryoso, ayoko na…gusto ko na maging malaya…gusto ko na maging normal…gusto ko na makaranas ng mga bagay na nararanasan ng mga kaibigan ko…gusto ko makita yung uniqueness ng family ko…I want to make more time with my friends…I want to spend more for my family and friends and not hinder myself from spending dahil lang sa kagustuhan ko na maregaluhan sila ng mga mamahaling bagay…ayoko na maging ganun…gusto ko rin magastusan yung sarili ko – hindi na lang puro para sa kanila…I want to experience more than what I am having now…

I want to be the old Kristine, the Kristine that my friends and family knew 7 years ago…I want to be that ‘someone’ when I still haven’t met them…pero huli na ang lahat, alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik yun…sana lang may solusyon pa…sana, sana, SANA…

PRAYER:
please Lord, ayoko na..lead me to another path..dun sa hindi sila yung priority ko..basta alam ko namang gets niyo ko..basta help po please..thanks po..

>>>seventeen